Lost:(

Just before you start reading this, it was written like some six months ago (May ending) so am glad to say that I'm not in that place anymore. I'm posting this very personal note I wrote so that you can see that even when we get to our lowest points we can make our way back no matter how bad it gets. I am no longer lost though there are still a lot of things I have to figure out but I have more courage, hope, perseverance, strength, and faith than ever before.


For once in my life I am very confused without a clue of where to turn
To wake up and find that all the things you felt were familiar aren't
All the places, people and relationships you built were on lies
That you could have done anything for the people that left you in the cold
That you have been made to look like a fool by people you trusted
I lay in bed every morning hoping that yesterday was a dream but it wasn't
Now everything that was once so familiar seems strange
And though there are still people to talk to I don't want to
There are no needs for words because my feelings cannot be expressed
The pain is unbearable and though I would like to share it can only be felt
I lay in bed trying to figure out how things got this bad
I lay in bed trying to figure out where I went wrong
All the memories and good times we've shared so far away
I thought that our bond was stronger than this
I thought that we were are at a point that we could make it from anything
But, obviously I was wrong.... really, really wrong
I think what hurts the most was that you were willing to talk to anyone but me
Why is the bad stuff so easy to believe?
I get that you were trying to find yourself but you lost yourself in doing so
You left me completely questioning all my relationships.
But I know that one-day would come that I would feel no pain no more
One day would come that my heart would not be so heavy
But today like the last couple of days am still lost but this too shall pass...

And it did pass (with God, family, and great friends)...It's been only a couple of months ago and am more fearless than ever before (I think) lol!!! So, there's nothing wrong in feeling down and defeated as long as you remember you can make your way back from anything. So keep getting up, trying to be okay even if you have to fake it sometimes and one day you would be okay:)
Love always,
Daddy's lil girl (Mbang)..xoxo

Can't Stop Now......Got to keep fighting through the pain and obstacles

So I know that it's been a while since I’ve posted anything but lets just say that "Life Happened"..lol.. But, seriously this past months have been really challenging and tough for me but maybe not so difficult compared to what others go through but still difficult. There is nothing that hurts as much as betrayal and saying goodbye to someone you really do care for. Friendship, love, betrayal, heartbreak, disappointments well lets just say that I have my own share of them all but I am glad to say I made it through even though there were moments that I thought this was my breaking point. I never stopped writing but many of the things I wrote was at a point when I wasn't in a good place so I decided not to post any of those until I was doing much better. So much has changed since I wrote my last blog in April. I graduated from UMBC so I have my bachelor’s degree, I have taken the Lsat exam and there are many people that meant a lot to me that are no longer in my life. It has always been said that the most constant thing in life is change so I do not think all this should be all too surprising. Sometimes words cannot express how one is feeling but, lets just say that I have been going through some difficult times I’ve learned so much and am still learning from the last couple of months. These were some of the things I had to keep telling myself to get through it all...

You cannot let life change you, you cannot let life break you, and you have to try to keep moving forward no matter what. Just because its dark and rainy now doesn't mean the sun wouldn't come out eventually. You cannot stop believing your unstoppable and anyone that doesn't think so does not deserve to be in your life. Don't you ever let this world change you because it almost happened to me and it does not take much to allow that. If your going to do good do it without expectations do it for God. Do not be afraid to invest into relationships because you have been hurt or disappointed before because at the end of the day it would be your lose. Take your time to know someone and be sure your investing into the right people but the truth is at the end of the day you can never really know because people can be who you want them to be so just be careful but its worth the risk. But, do not let others suffer or pay for the pain and hurt others have brought to you. No one is perfect so if you do make a mistake, learn from it, re-evaluate yourself and move on. There is always room for individual growth and the ability for you to better yourself so do some self-reflecting when necessary. If you've wronged someone apologizing doesn't mean you lose your pride it just shows that your mature enough to handle things properly. Even if they do not forgive you at least you know that you tried and that you meant it. And if someone wrongs you I know forgiving them can be so hard especially when they never apologize or they keep doing more wrong things but forgiving people is for your good. So many times we have to let go in order to move forward and we cannot be asking God to bless us while we have so much bitterness and anger in our hearts so you see it can hinder our blessings. Despite how ugly and wicked the hearts of men may seem there are still good people out there who stand by you no matter what especially when the going is rough and hard. So many times, you would be surprised that those you may expect to be there aren't and those that aren't your closet of friends may be the ones there for you... One good thing the tough times does is allow you to know who your true friends are and those you can depend on. And if you make it through those times, you come out stronger than ever before... And never ever forget that you are not the only one who is struggling because a lot of people are, all you can do is keep trying. I've always believed that things/people/lyrics/words/music/stuff finds you when you need it the most so just keep holding on. Just like the song by REM says "Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes so hold on".For those of you that love it or do not know that song: http://youtu.be/ijZRCIrTgQc
Love always,
Daddy's litte girl(Mbang)...xoxo

Love Should Be Enough.......

I have always been one of those people that thought love was enough and should be able to get you through anything but is it really? I always felt that if you loved someone and they loved you back then you should be able to work through anything but apparently it is not that simple. I just watched Dear John today and it left me thinking the same way the Notebook got me thinking... Is there really a love like that? Or is it just in movies that such an unconditional love exists. You know the kind of love that keeps growing each day and continues to get deeper and stronger. The kind of love that forgives easily and loves during the good and especially the bad. A deep connection that keeps two as one forever. The truth is that I do not know if such a love exists in reality.

In reality, I see a love that is ready to give up so easily when there is a storm. I see a love that can hardly make it through the stormy days. I do not think people really know what it means to be in love and to truly love someone. Everyone is so quick to say those three words to anyone without even fully understanding what they mean and what comes with saying them. The truth is that when you really do love someone you never stop loving them. You may stop being in love with them but whether you like it or not no matter what they do to you would always love them. It's almost as though a small piece of them becomes a part of you forever. I was once told to fall for someone who is willing to catch me but that would be easier done if one could choose who they fall for. I wish love could be enough and two people loving themselves be enough but it is not always so.... :(
Love always and 4eva,
Daddy's little girl (Mbang)..xoxo

Life is so much more than........

Life is much more than whose driving the latest car or who has dated the hottest girl
Life is much more than wearing designer clothes or chilling with the cool kids
Life is much more than going clubbing, partying and getting wasted every now and then
Life is much more than trying to please everyone so that you can fit in
Life is much more than been successful and wealthy
Life is much more than bragging to your boys all the girls you've smashed (word of advice that's immature and lame and it says a lot about the kind of person you are).


Don't get me wrong; having some of these things in your life makes life pretty easier but none of the wealth or fame matters if you don't have anyone to share it with.
None of these matters if you don't have God in your life.
None of these matters if you cannot give back to those that lack.
None of these matters if you cannot be true to those close to you but especially yourself.
None of these matters if you cannot be strong enough to think for yourself (No one likes a follow-follow it's really not attractive).
None of these matters if your to scared to let others in because of the fear of getting hurt because at the end of the day you are going to be the one missing out. Always remember that you are not alone. Everyone is going through something so hang in there.
Love always,
Daddy's little girl (Mbang)…xoxo

Why do you limit yourself?

I see you trying to open up but still you don't
I see you trying to express yourself to me but still you don't
I see the real you and it's beautiful but still you chose to be less
I see how vulnerable you are even though you act other wise
I see someone that is scared of getting hurt because of past experiences
I see someone that has the potential to be great and has just began to go places
I see someone that has overcome so many obstacles in life
I see someone who can do anything as long as your mind is set
I see someone that i would forever want to be in my life
I see someone that can change the world
I see someone filled with so much courage and drive
I see someone that has an unconditional love for family
I see someone that is scared to let go completely
I see someone that had to be strong at a young age and now doesn't know how to let go
I see someone that has been disappointed too many times and is now afraid of letting people in
I see someone that makes me want to be a better person
I see someone that has a big heart but,


You see someone that is lost and confused
You see someone that has failed or is failing
You see someone your not proud of
You see someone that used to have a big heart
You see someone that wanted to change the world
You see someone that is struggling
You see someone that does not know where they are going
You see someone that is not a good person
You see someone that is like everyone else
You see someone that is a burden to others


It's okay to be scared but when fear starts to stand in your way of been truly happy then there's a problem. If your someone that is always going to be sitting around waiting for happiness then it would never come to you have to chose to be happy. Yes most times life experiences show that caring and loving only allows for a person to be hurt, disappointed and betrayed I feel that not caring or the inability to express one's feeling because of fear of rejection or pride is a much bigger loss and disappointment. If you do not think that you are the person you are meant to be then do something about it. The only one that can stand in your way is you and I think the moment you realize that a lot is going to change for you. Never stop believing in your self because whenever the real you comes its simply beautiful. Hopefully you get to see this and start thinking differently because if your saw yourself through my eyes then you would know that are truly a unique and blessed person.


Dedicated to all those out there who think less of themselves without realizing how great they are. Keep believing in yourself just like I believe in you. Always remember that you are not alone... :)
Love always,
Daddy's little girl (Mbang)...xoxo

Its been two years.. So i guess i just had to

Well, I cannot believe that it has already been two years since I started my blog because it still feels like it was only yesterday. I know that I have not stayed as dedicated to blogging as I should so, maybe that's why two years seems like such a long time. Today was my dad's 60th birthday and besides the fact that I miss him so much I felt at peace with myself. Yes in class and at my apartment I drift away in thought every now and then but like I said I was at peace. Every now and then, I couldn't help but wonder if he would be proud of the young woman his little girl was coming.

For a very long time now, I have been wanting to sponsor a child but considering I am always broke I have not yet set out to do so. Just two weeks ago i was watching a random channel that i never watch on TV and just when i was about to switch off my TV and go to bed, an advertisement came on about an international non-profit organization that caters to the needs of under privileged children. Considering that I never watch that station I could not help but think that the advertisement was for me so I took down the number so that I could call them when I was more stable financially. I have been giving it a lot of thought and today i finally called them and I am proud and happy to say that i am now sponsoring a little boy in the Philippines. Yes i am always broke and do not have any regular income coming in monthly but I don't care because I am going to sponsor this little boy that needs me for as long as long can be. If I had my way I would sponsor more than one child but unfortunately am not yet at that point in my life to do so and if I did that I may just be the one that needs sponsoring eventually..lol. I know this is random and all but I have been giving much thought to adopting a child I mean not now but eventually.. I mean why not?.. I would be privileged to give a needy child a place to call home. Everyone deserves a shot at being happy and living a fairly comfortable life.

I knew that this day was gonna be memorable but i under-estimated how special it was gonna be for me. I know that a lot of people want to help but only have little to give so do not. The truth is that if you keep waiting for the right time you are going to be waiting forever so sometimes you just have to let go of all your worries, concern and fears and just make it happen. I know it is not easy but most times the most difficult things to do are the experiences that change our lives and make us stronger people. I have faith in you so today i challenge you to start from somewhere. Nothing is too small even if its just words of encouragement. Remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE...
Love always,
Daddy's Little Girl (Mbang)....xoxo

Do bad things really happen to good people?

This is one of those topics that there really is no right or wrong answer so basically, I am just going to say what my opinions are about this philosophy. Growing up I saw that my uncles and auntie’s that were some of the nicest people either passed away or had major problems. I am an optimist and have always believed that things do not stay the same for long but some experiences in my life and other peoples lives close to me have proved me wrongness have been people I know that have been battling with the same problem since I have known them and it's still there. In fact, many of the people I know going through a lot of issues are really good people so why is this so?

Now, that is a question that cannot be answered because that's life. Many people when they start to encounter problems and challenges there are two things that can happen to them. It's either they come out stronger as a survivor or they give in to their situation such in a way that it breaks them. If there is one thing I have learned from life is that everyone has problems. Yes, these problems vary in the amount but everyone has their share of issues. I know it may look like some people do not have any problems but remember, "Things are not always the way they seem." It is true that life does suck sometimes in fact for some most times but its no excuse for not rising above your problems because whenever you think your problems are bad there is always someone going through much worse and somehow they are coping so you can find the strength to do so as well.

I used to say that December was not my month and because I strongly believed this it became true. Every time December came I was always dealing with some serious issues but I met someone that saw so much in me and somehow that person made me realize that I am stronger and better than I give my self-credit. From that day I decided that I was no longer going to label December as my SUPER BAD MONTH and I tell you this past December was different. Yes I still had a lot that I was dealing with in some ways more than I have had to deal with every other December but I chose to be happy through it all. Slowly, the good started happening and even though many of my problems still remained I had a lot to be thankful for so i was at peace. And with time my problems seemed so far away. True happiness lies within and yes its true you need to be comfortable financially enough to be happy but at the same time, when it comes down to it all those things do not matter. What matters is the people you have in your life. Trust me they can make all the difference in the world. So yes, the truth is that bad things do happen to good people and yes despite what you may be going through, you can make your way back from anything. Just remember that YOU ARE NOT ALONE or the first one to experience such problems and that there are people out there going through similar and worse issues. Nothing ever remains the same so just hang in there because there is always a light at the end of the tunnel..

Love always, Daddy's little Girl (Mbang)xoxo